Here in Jordan, we are thousands of miles away from our dear ones. We are bewildered with the unfamiliarity. New faces, new cultures and new experiences. How do I fit in? Why don’t I fit in? Why do I constantly feel left out and lonely? Everyone around me has either existing friends back from their secondary school or siblings here with them. I desperately tried to find a shoulder to lean on.

 

I struggled helplessly to fit in. I tried to change my style and ways to blend in the crowd. I tried pleasing everyone. But deep inside me, I dreaded it. I realised that there was something wrong. I was hurt repeatedly. I realised my mistakes. I dared to do things the old me would not have done. I took a step back and distanced myself from the toxicity. I limited my interactions with the people who changed me. But here’s the thing. I am not used to being alone. 

 

I hated myself as I kept comparing myself to others. I did not enjoy my own company. I cried myself to sleep with the thought of being alone. But through my struggles, I found the greatest learning of all. Learning to love and honour myself.  Above all my faith kept me strong too. I found a hobby, a good distraction, that kept me busy from the negativity, and that’s the game changer for me.

 

Self-love is a popular term used nowadays, that gets tossed around in conversations:

 

"Why don't you love yourself?"

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"If only you loved yourself, this wouldn't have happened to you."

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"You can't love another person until you love yourself first."

 

Is it something you can obtain through a beauty makeover? Or a new set of clothes? Can a new relationship make you love yourself more? The answer to all of these questions is no. 

 

It is a state of appreciation for oneself that grows from actions that support your spiritual, physical and psychological growth. It is literally your ability to honour and love yourself. Once you enjoy your own company, once you own yourself and have your own say, you will attract people who love your vibe like you do. When you start seeing your worth, you will stop seeing people who don’t. The world falls in love with you when you are who you are. I hope whoever is reading this knows that you are not alone, because at one point, I thought I was until I found myself. Stop betraying yourself, choose yourself.